Warning rambling ahead:
After reading Sam’s post I was thinking about my fears with writing. I think I have them all. That I am not good enough, that I’ll never get anything finished, that my characters are flat and unbelievable, that my dialogue reads wooden, that my characters with powers are too powerful and will become boring, that all my characters are exactly the same and therefore boring, that I am just not good enough at this thing that I can’t stop myself from doing.
Why do you guys think I’m so damn needy for compliments and feedback to keep going? #needyismymiddlename It’s insane really. I mean I’m an insecure little toad at the best of times but this, this is my dream and I want to be good, I want to be snapped up and published worldwide (don’t we all), I want everyone to fall in love with my characters and get lost in the worlds I create so much so when they close the book after the final page they wail at the moon that they need more and curse me that the next book isn’t out yet. That, I want that.
But I know that I am not alone here. Not just for writing but for basically anything anyone truly wants to do. Society on a whole conditions us to believe that we are not exceptional unless we happen to be one of the few who have been thrust face first into that spotlight for us all to adore…and then try and tear down. New Zealanders at times can be shocking for that. Tall Poppy Syndrome they call it, and I hate to say it but so often…kiwis have it.
That’s a fear… that people will try to tear me down if I am doing well, that I could write something great and because of stupid reasons and negative people it will get torn down and I’ll be forced to go and live under a rock on the west coast of the South Island.
I get it, I suffer jealousy. But it’s kind of disgusting to want someone to do worse because you aren’t doing better. Oh that’s another fear, that all my friends will succeed at this and I will fall on my ass. Fear is truly a horrible thing bound up in so many other bad emotions and feelings.
I don’t want to be scared and have these fears eat away at me until I can’t even begin to attempt to do what I want. Been there, done that, got the special decoder ring. I am trying this new thing called belief and faith. Not sure how it’s going yet but I am trying. I believe that I can do this, that my characters and my writing are good enough, that my/our stories will capture my/our audience because I have to believe that, because there is no point walking forward otherwise. And with hundreds of thousands of words sitting there I sure as hell am not stopping now and wasting all that effort. For starters the voices would murder me in my sleep if I did.