So some of you know I started a separate blog to focus on a story to follow my quest to change my lifestyle, and improve my physical and mental health. I enlisted a character Jas, one of my old characters that I didn’t play very often. I posted on there a few times, I was quite proud of what I was writing, it was helpful and therapeutic to my journey.
I realised a while ago that it was more on the sad side of things, and I haven’t been sad at all lately so I have not been inspired to write her. That being the case, I have decided at this stage that I don’t need to keep writing for her… maybe the character of Jas will need to tell a story again but for now I don’t need her to tell my story. I don’t need her to help me get through things because I am doing really well, I am making progress and each day I seem to be happier and happier. It has a lot to do with the people in my life that I love and adore and a whole lot more to do with finding my strength again. Sure I still have a ways to go on this journey, especially on the physical side of my transformation but I am on my way, I don’t need to focus on the negative aspects of it anymore, I am moving forward and I am happy.
So thank you Jas for providing the outlet I needed when I needed it. And thank you to my darlings and my loves for being there with me and making this journey a good one.
If you missed the stories of Jasmine MacNeil, here they are in all their raw form:
Jasmine looked in the mirror and felt such a wave of disgust. She got angry at herself, brutally angry to the point she actually hurt herself, breaking the skin with her nails as she dragged her fingers across her shoulders and back, hissing at the pain but she did it again and again. She threw things, had a tantrum, screamed and ripped up the mailers for the latest sales at the stores, she yelled and cried and fell apart filled with a self-loathing she had not known in a long time. Jas was full of bitter anger and disappointment and she knew it all fell squarely on her own shoulders and no one else’s.
She heard the two words clearly in her mind and she pictured a scene in Blade Trinity.
She had enough of the loathing and hating and the anger, there was no point to it, she would use it. It was going to take a lot of hard work. A LOT of hard work. And she couldn’t keep giving in and becoming lazy again, she couldn’t go back to old habits, excuses, distractions, comfort and ease. No more, she couldn’t keep hurting herself like this.
She needed to take that anger and USE IT.
The first morning, the first thoughts
It was morning and Jasmine knew two things.
One – She had to get ready for work
Two – She had to eat
Breakfast and lunch needed to be organised, and her drink bottle needed to be filled up. She also knew that even though on autopilot she’d already gotten dressed for work that she needed a work out today. Her mind tumbled through a few thoughts, what should she eat, what work out should she have, should she change work out and then shower again after (because in this heat she was going to need a shower after), or did she plan to walk in the evening or work out then after work, another thought that crossed her mind was, did she eat at all?
Jas knew that last statement was the wrong one to be contemplating for one reason alone, see Jas was no stranger to eating disorders. It was not a path she wanted to go down again. It never did her body much good really, seeing her back on that path would not aid her quest for health and it would only warp that self-loathing back into something even worse as she hid it from the world. No, it wasn’t even an option, not anymore.
She sat at her desk slowly sipping on her water and she wondered.
Then she put the water down, enough thought, action was the only way she was going to move forward.
It was time for action.
To weather the storm
Jas couldn’t sleep. She suffered the unquiet mind and the sore legs of doom, or perhaps it was the sore legs of a work out where she pushed herself just that little bit too far.
It had been an interesting few days as she suffered the poison in her body, the release of toxins that she had built up inside her. Perhaps interesting was not the right word, unpleasant would have perhaps been more fitting, and such feelings of discomfort led her mind to more emotional places, friendships lost, the trials and rewards of love, to the future of finding dreams or perhaps of losing them. It was hard not to succumb to the whirlpool of emotions that raised her up and threatened to plunge her down again, but Jas wouldn’t allow it, she kept her eyes squarely focused on why she was doing this, the future she was going to have.
She kept a smile on her face and laughter in her voice, none knew when it was real and when it was fake and Jas intended to keep it that way, fake it until you make it and Jas was going to make it, she’d lived through far worse than this, she had survived so much in her life and she was stronger for it. She could weather this storm as she journeyed on, each day bringing her destination closer to being in sight, each day one step closer to arriving. Even sore legs of doom would not deter her.
Keep calm and have a cup of tea
Jas knew it was unrealistic to expect positive results every day and today’s step backwards was minor really. Nothing to get upset about, but still, after three nights of sleeping poorly and dreams that left a sour taste in her mouth it did upset her. She had been working so hard, doing so well with the changes she had made to her lifestyle, her diet, and she saw all these other people constantly reporting on success, it brought her down.
She knew it shouldn’t but it did.
She also knew it was bringing a battle because this was a point that she had struggled with before. The point of giving up because of a setback, even a minor one. It was disheartening to work as hard as she was and sacrifice things only to have it thrown back in her face this way. She knew that it was natural and normal to fluctuate and yet it felt like a failure on her part….and the lack of sleep factor might have been contributing to it.
But she couldn’t give up, she couldn’t see this as a failure, and she knew she should NOT see it as a reason to do anything more extreme and damaging that would lead to her giving up. It was not the time to overact and be silly. She needed to take a deep breath, have a cup of tea and give today a shot, going on as she had before and see what tomorrow brought, if things continued then she could look at them, and do it rationally not emotionally.
But first, tea.
Jas unclurled from her place on the couch, the pillow slid from her lap as she set the laptop down on the coffee table. She made an unattractive duck face as she blew the air out of her lungs and stretched. She had been reading again about being healthy and happy, most of it she already knew, this wasn’t her first rodeo after all and at one stage she had been training to be on the other side of things, the one giving the advice. One word kept popping up Toxic, foods that were toxic, activities and habits that were toxic, and people/relationships that were toxic. There had been a lot of all of those in Jasmine’s life, and while she had been working on the food and drink that wasn’t good for her body, she hadn’t made much of an attempt in some of the other areas. Stress was never going to be a good thing for her continued happiness and health, nor was doing things that made her unhappy. It had to stop. But it was hard, how did she change the habits that had been formed and ingrained, how did she let go of the people that weren’t any good for her? She still had people who had an influence on her that were not part of her life. People she’d parted company with years, decades ago, and that still caused her stress and unhappiness. She had people that she still interacted with that she knew dragged her down and maybe it was time to sever those ties too. It would not be the first time. She recalled high school friends she had been forced to let go of no matter the fun that was had sometimes but because of the way they dragged her down and left her feel stressed and exhausted. No person really had a right to do that to a person, to take and take and give nothing back, the one sided friendships that were simply unhealthy. Jasmine knew the difference between being there for a friend who needed comfort or an ear, and being used and abused. She knew and it was time to do something about it.
Jas had joked that it was a day for kick ass and taking names and maybe it was. But she would be kicking her own ass and getting action. There was no place in her life for that kind of misery any more, she wasn’t going to waste any energy (or tears) on anyone who simply did not earn and deserve it. Jas was turning over new leafs and she had plenty more to go. She knew it was time to let go of that baggage and those feelings and be free to be her and to truly be happy.
Time for a toxic dump.