As so often happens in my brain when I’m trying to work on stories already under way or get out replies for my writing/role playing….I end up with a new idea that isn’t really helpful at all to what I am writing. But I got it out and here it is….
There was darkness in her heart, that did not mean she was without goodness though. She was not soulless and she did not roam the realms inflicting misery upon the weak or the innocent. She was a force to be reckoned with if you earned her anger.
She was not the kind that many men would fall in love with, nor the kind many women would aspire to be. They feared her, they feared the empowerment she felt as her skin glistened with the blood of her victims. They feared the pleasure she took from taking the life of those she deemed wicked. She was fierce, she was confident and she was unapologetic. She was darkness but she was not without honour.
This was the first thing on my Facebook feed when I got online this morning. I haven’t seen this movie since I was 14 or 15. It was one of the ones we had to study for English class. I don’t know if it’s the same overseas as it is here when you study movies in English class but they do their best to ruin a perfectly good movie. We watched in so many times, and by watch I mean, play a scene and then study the philosophical and metaphorical significance of why in this scene we see the birds take flight. I remember liking it the first time we watched the movie through, giggling at the scene where they talk about how they walk… but by the end of studying it I was pretty sure I didn’t want to see the film for some time. I guess another 15 or so years is long enough.
That ramble wasn’t actually why I started this blog post but memory kind of got away from me. You know what I’m like, and now I’m tempted to wax lyrical about my old desires to become a teacher, history or English and how I’d want to teach English class just a little bit different.
Anyway, the point I was going to make that has gotten buried somewhere in my brain now and I can’t recall just what I was going to say, was about wooing with words. It’s something I think I forget somedays, in the haste to get an idea down, to write a reply, I forget that I’m meant to be wooing the reader, be it male or female, I’m meant to be helping them get lost in the words and the images, fall in love with the characters, the places and the storylines and I have nothing but words to do it with. I don’t always choose the most elegant or thought invoking way of saying things, sometimes I forget I am wooing, and when I think about it, the scenes where I am trying to woo and make the reader fall in love…those are the scenes I usually get the most feedback on.
So note to self as I write today (either Babypire or Fae’s Revenge…which either way means my beloved Jaidee gets some writing time)…where was I…oh right, as I write today I have to remember that I am writing to make the reader fall in love, to woo them, to make them get lost in the words, in the worlds, to swoon, to sigh, to be unable to leave, to be unwilling to leave the story. I must woo better than any Prince Charming is capable of. That is my goal as a writer, to make the reader fall in love.
She wanted to be strong. She wanted to stand up for herself. She got labelled a bitch by some, she lost friends that she thought were true because they couldn’t just walk all over her anymore. She got called names, she got talked about. It was hard. It was cruel but still, she wanted to be strong, she wanted to stand up for herself.
She had a kind heart and people abused that. She was a generous soul and people used that. She was loving. She was soft and she was gentle and the world was hard and cruel in places and people were cruel and abusive. Not all people, but more than it seemed was needed. Her heart ached because it seemed that people turned hard and cruel because of how they were treated, because they weren’t strong enough to overcome without becoming broken.
She wanted to help them all, she wanted to give them chance after chance, no matter how they treated her she didn’t want to give up on them and she didn’t want them to dislike her.
It went on, the years passed and her heart grew sore, her soul started to fracture. She couldn’t go on without breaking. She was going to change…for the worse if she didn’t stop, for the better if she was strong enough to act.
So she changed. She grew her wings. She flew above those who kept pulling her down, who kept pushing her down. It was tiring and her wings hurt. It was hard work and it would have been so easy to drop back down, but she had to keep flying if she wanted to get anywhere.
People wanted to squish her like a bug, people wanted to rip her wings off, but some people, some people smiled to see her beauty, some people marvelled to see her fly and some people blew gently into the air to help her soar.
She wanted to be strong. She wanted to stand up for herself. She stood up for herself and found she could fly.
Sometimes it’s hard to know who is a reason, a season, a lesson or a blessing. Sometimes it’s hard to know when to let go. Sometimes it still hurts after you do, as freeing and positive as it might be. Even the toxic people can touch our heart and it’s okay to give ourselves permission to miss them. It’s okay to take time to get over their loss, even if you were the one who pushed them away or threw them out the metaphorical window. (The cops tend to frown on throwing them out the real ones.)
It’s hard to do the right thing and take those people out of our lives, especially when there was fun and there were good times, but we owe it to ourselves to be healthy, to do the healthy thing for ourselves and those around us. We deserve better than to be hurt or poisoned by those who are toxic and/or happen to be garden variety psychopaths or sociopaths. Sometimes it’s hard to see people for what they really are..
I’m rambling again. So instead of me rehashing again let us raise our glasses (real or metaphorical) and say good riddance to bad news. I’ll drink to that.
I didn’t think I was good enough, strong enough, worth enough. I was worn down by bullies and life when I was too young to understand and it was their voices I heard in my head.
I grew up and I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t believe I could do it, that I should do it, that I should even try.
I went to low places, to dark places, I went where I couldn’t see the forest of my good life just the dark beneath the canopy.
I forgot I was brave.
I forgot I was strong.
I forgot that there is a little witch in all of us and life can be magical.
Then I fought small battles and surprised myself by winning, I achieved small goals and victories.
I was still too scared to try for the big ones.
I let petty people and bad times hold me back again.
I’m good at handcuffing myself to the altar of doubt.
I didn’t try all that I wanted because I was scared, because failure was an option and I thought I would fail…so really I did.
Why should I continue like that?
I am brave and fearless, I am the lioness and dammit you should hear me roar.
This year I can’t take myself prisoner, I shouldn’t. This isn’t a New Year’s resolution, it’s a realisation.
I am strong enough.
I am good enough and worth enough.
This….this is going to be magical and you’re going to hear me roar.