Tag Archives: emotions

Where am I going?

What am I aiming for?

I find I am the girl who wants it all, and I think that leaves me fumbling and lost. I want the amazing tree house in the forest, the natural life, the garden and the forest friends. I want the city life, I want the convenience, I want the prestige, I want the neighborhood that others dream of, I want the grass that get pimped. (I still don’t even understand that but I want it).
I want to write and be paid for it, I want to be a successful best seller. I want books that move people and inspire them. I want to make people dream of being more than they are, I want people to get lost in the worlds I create and miss the friends they made when the story finishes.
I want to be discovered, not work hard to make them notice me.
I want to dance.
I want to inspire.
I want to help heal the world. I want to speak to every person who struggles thinking they are not enough and I want to help them see they are. I want to do that because most days I forget that I am worth it and how wonderful I am. I understand and because of it I can see the worth in others when they have lost that themselves.
I want to help heal every person who has been hurt my another.
I want to turn society upside down so we see that it doesn’t make a blind bit of fucking difference what body parts we have, what color those parts happen to be, it doesn’t matter how we worship or if we worship. What matters is we act with love, we don’t hurt anyone else, we strive to make the world better, to make ourselves better. WE DO NOT HURT ANYONE ELSE.
Honestly that one shouldn’t be hard to get across but it is.
I want to be a force for the women out there that are struggling. Struggling with self worth and body image, with their place in society.
I want to run dance classes, not to teach people how to dance as much as to teach them to know their body and be comfortable in it, to be comfortable dancing for themselves or for others.
I have so many things I want to do and then I also want to hide away in my house and see no one and do nothing and just watch movies and read books and fade from the memory of others. Some days I think I’m two steps along in that desire.
I am left not knowing which direction I should go in. Which thing I should pursue. How do I know what I can achieve? How do I know which is for me? Can I do them all? Am I worthy of these pursuits?
I don’t know.
I want it all and I want it now.
And a minion. I want a minion

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If you could only see me…

Random winter night thought. What would the world be if we could really know what people were thinking or feeling. I could never articulate to anyone the inner workings of my mind or my emotions, there is so much below the surface that no one ever knows and could maybe not understand. Would the world be a better place if we could understand each other, truly understand. Or would it be scary and terrifying to know everybody’s truth. I don’t know if I’d be brave enough to let more than those closest to me see if they could, I mean as it is, as much as I share in places like this, there are still truths that I keep hidden.

I think I might be rambling and tired…

Hate Hate Hate Loathe Entirely

So it’s been an up and down kind of a time lately, most of you will know that. Today has been a real rollercoaster of emotions starting with being tired because the Kmonster has tonsillitis again, but this post isn’t really about that, it’s about something else. I came across an old message as I was cleaning out my email account, a “friend” who messaged me to say a person I used to be friends with that she was still friends with, hated me with a passion. Reading this ancient message I thought about a few things, for starters, how every high school that was. It was years ago now, but still years after high school, sometimes we just don’t grow out of some behaviours it seems.

But it got me thinking about hate, I thought about that girl who I haven’t really thought about in many moons and wondered if I hated her. I’d probably be within my rights to hate her because she hurt a lot of people I care about, myself included with her actions, and yes though it was just online and centred around a game we all used to be part of, it still counts and still hurt people.

I realised I didn’t hate her, if anything I pitied her but on the whole I just didn’t care enough about her to have much of a reaction these days. I thought about some other people who have come and gone from my life, even back to my childhood bully who left more scars on my soul than she will ever know and I realised I didn’t hate her, I didn’t hate any of them.

I do know people who hate, who have that kind of dark and passionate response to a person, but I just can’t think of anyone who I feel that way about, even people that really truly hurt me, I don’t hate them….I’m not sure if I forgive them…but I don’t hate them.

I don’t know why that is…

I don’t know if that is a bad thing…

Could I be too forgiving and loving, or is it that I just stop caring about a person so hate is a waste of good energy when I don’t want or need to give them any time or thought. I don’t know as yet, but it got me thinking. It also got me thinking about the word hate…I admit I use it too readily when I just mean dislike and that has been the case since I was a kid and being told off for using the H word, especially in heated arguments with siblings, parental units, grandparental units and their siblings. Back then I never once meant it and if I use it now it’s more likely I mean dislike or if I am feeling strongly about it and channelling the Grinch, loathe entirely…

Food for thought and all that.

What is hate and do we really mean it when we say it?

Empathy, magic wands and rambling

I’ve seen a lot of people hurting lately, from little things and upsets, to life adjusting pain and sadness. It aches my heart to not be able to help the people who seem to need it, to heal their hearts or bodies, to bring them the happiness that they deserve. One of my main characters, Jaidee, is an empathy and she is that because that’s what I’ve been told I am since I was a child. Sometimes it’s not that good for me when I take on other people’s emotions and pain and feel them myself, but it helps me understand others, it helps me feel for them and connect.

But man oh man, do I wish it came with a magic wand. I want to wave that wand and heal the world. I want to heal my friends, my loved ones of pain and stress, and also use the wand to bop some people on the head who are causing others to be hurting or suffer. But I can’t and it leaves me feeling helpless, and sometimes leads me to withdrawing, especially when I can’t seem to even deal with my own feelings and I don’t want to bring them to other people, or get to the point where I think others even want to know.

Feelings. They’re annoying and complicated sometimes.

Where is that magic wand already?

Here have a hug.

ANZAC Day and an emotional princess

Today is April 25th here in New Zealand, a public holiday to honour ANZAC Day. It is a day of remembrance, it marks the day that ANZAC troops landed at Gallipoli, but it has come to honour so much more.
It’s always an emotional day for me. Majority of my years I have been to ANZAC services in Auckland, Hamilton and Tokoroa. I have marched as a Girl Guide, I have marched as an ATC cadet, I’ve stood on cenotaph duty and laid poppies and wreaths. I’ve also nearly passed out on parade and caught another cadet who did. I’ve walked the donkeys to honour the story of Simpson and his donkey and the concept that no man gets left behind. I’ve shed a lot of tears over the years. But it took me being old enough to understand what it is to have those you love serving to have the emotional reaction and understanding I do now. My sister is a nurse in the army and currently in New Caledonia with a group of Veterans, a much safer activity than the deployments I know she could have.

A few years ago to commemorate the day I wrote a piece that will feature in one of the Children of the Immortal books, so I thought I’d share it today. Some of you might recognise the story from a previous piece shared…

**

Charlie and Els sat together watching the parade on the television, soldiers past and present marching together to honour the service and sacrifice of those gone, those still serving and those yet to. Charlie put his arm around Els and tucked her in against his side. He’d lived through many of the wars they talked of, and died in one as strange as that sounded. He had lost friends and those he considered family in the Great wars. But he knew Els was going further back than he was, she had seen more battles than she had ever wished and lost too many people to war. He didn’t like it when she was this quiet, sitting with tears falling down her cheeks. He didn’t know what to say, he’d always been at a loss to help Els at the best of times, but he was always there for her and always loved her. The coverage came to an end and Elspeth sang, as she did every time she remembered the fallen and those lost in battle.
“If I should fall
Carry me home
Carry me on
Carry me still in your heart
I do not die
I just move on
My time here
My time gone
Until I come again
Carry me on
Carry me home
Carry my name on your lips
My deeds in your mind
My love in your heart
I do not go
I do not die
I live here within you still
Carry me on
Carry me high on my shield
Carry me home
Live for me
Love me still
Carry me on
Carry me home
Carry me always
Carry me in your heart
Carry me…”

Charlie tilted her head up and softly wiped her cheeks with a clean hanky. “Come on love, let’s go find the others and cheer you up.”